Today, I ignored the outside world. Well, Iapos;m still in the process. My phone has been off since last night and I havenapos;t turned it on once. I only plan to turn it on tonight before I go to bed, because I use my phone as an alarm clock. Why? Because Iapos;m going crazy. Not the cute crazy. The absolutely psychotic crazy.
Iapos;ve lost 15 pounds because I havenapos;t been able to eat. I canapos;t sleep, but when I actually do, I dream about him. This morning I woke up at 7 in the morning because I had a nightmare about him and was so upset I couldnapos;t go back to sleep. I�get that feeling in my chest, like Iapos;m being sat on and I canapos;t breath whenever I think about him. Which is all the time, because I canapos;t stop thinking about him. Thereapos;s so much more that I canapos;t even explain. Itapos;s just there. Iapos;m going absolutely and completely crazy. This shouldnapos;t be happening. I thought I was over it. I mean, I had a totally different fucking boyfriend after him, and I still canapos;t get him out of my head. I guess with everything that happened with Jason, it made me think about what I want from a boyfriend. And subconsciously, I know exactly what I want. Itapos;s been there, lingering just below the surface. Thatapos;s why I thought my feelings were gone. And here they come, showing up again and the worst possible time.
Itapos;s absolutely psychotic, because thereapos;s no way in hell that itapos;s going to happen. And Iapos;m driving myself crazy thinking about him when all I really want to do is forget everything. It didnapos;t even last that long to begin with. Yeah, there were some really big... Differences... Or.. Decisions? I chose to make with him, but I didnapos;t think it would be that big of a deal. Obviously I was wrong. And heapos;s made it very clear that he will never have feelings for me. So why do I keep caring? I want so badly for all of these feelings to be gone. Partially because I feel like a huge crazy dork for liking someone who made it clear that they donapos;t like me and, on top of that, has no idea that I like them(high school, much?) and just because it breaks my heart knowing that I canapos;t have what I want. And I donapos;t even think itapos;s love. I donapos;t think I understand love. But this is the closest Iapos;ve gotten to love.
I guess this has really put my relationships into perspective. I was always the type to date and then when it ended, it ended. Yeah, maybe be sad for a while, but no permanent harm done. I mean shit, my in between guys time was like, a week. Iapos;ve never felt this way. I kinda hope this isnapos;t how Cory felt. For the longest time after we broke up, he kept trying to get back with me. He said he was in love and we belonged together. And I totally ignored him. I was a bitch. So I guess I had this coming. I would feel so bad if Cory felt even a tenth of the pain I feel now. No one deserves this.
I just want so badly to move away and not have to deal with this.
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